Realisations? And my life going onward

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Realisations? And my life going onward

Published by on November 19th.

Hey all,

As readers of the blog would know, in the past few months I have come to the 'realisation' that I have some sort of ASPD. However, in the recent days I have realised that some other factors may be influencing my perspective. In order to explain these factors, I am going to write a little more about my life.

I have been working as an undertaker now for about 6 months, and although it is good and easy work, it has not been stable in terms of hours and therefore pay. As my police application is still going, I decided to find some other full time work. I am now working 38 hours a week in a food processing factory, in addition to working on call as an undertaker in the afternoon and on the weekends. The job is very physical in nature, and I find myself exhasted after a shift.

Getting out and doing a physical job has helped my mental health immensely. I get endorphins from the exercise, and a sense of satisfaction from working. I wake up early every morning, and I am enjoying experiencing a full day. The money is obviously a great side piece. I am actually feeling happy now, and having emotions in general. I think that rather than ASPD, I was living a very sedentary and meaningless existence, and therefore not really getting an emotional response. This realisation has brought me a little relief, and I feel a bit better about my existence now. Now, a little more about my new job, the struggles, the fun and the absolutely beautiful girl that makes the whole day seem like a snap of the fingers.

My job role is 'decanter'. The role involves taking dry food products like quinoa, chia, goji berries and dried fruits and placing them into vats, and moving the vats around with a forklift so the machines can pack it all. I have other duties like emptying the bins, general product organisation, and helping out on the production line packing products for shipping.

The struggles at the job have come from a variety of sources. I had to get accquainted with the factory, the staff and the machines. The hardest part by far was learning to use the forklift, having never driven one before. It is coming to me now, about 3 weeks into the job. I have only been formally introduced to 3 of my coworkers, which makes the process of interacting in facemasks, hairnets and uniform quite difficult. I am learning names though, and hopefully will be able to interact with them soon. It's so hard approaching people outside of a social situation. I have also learnt the layout of the factory and the names of the machines, so I can get around fairly quickly.

It is also quite fun to work with a variety of foods, to have a laugh with your coworkers and to learn new skills. My techniques are improving in all areas and I am improving my times to no end. I have been talking to a few of the guys who work in the warehouse, and they seem quite nice. There have been suggestions thrown around that I could get a full forklift certification and come work in the warehouse. I think that would be pretty enjoyable for me.

Now, the girl. We've never spoken beyond thanks for opening the door, and I would like for it to remain that way. Maybe getting to know her would spoil the perfect image I have of her. I don't have any intentions with her, and I don't know anything about her really. She has the shift after mine, and generally comes in about 10 minutes before I finish. She is incredibly beautiful to me; she looks like an absolute goddess. Just seeing that shy smile on her face when I open the door makes such a difference in my little world. It's like hearing a favourite song, or appreciating a spectacular work of art. It sounds pretty corny, but it's just a ray of sunshine in what could be a stressful or boring day. God, she's beautiful.

Now, my police application. I had an interview a few weeks ago with an officer and a psychologist. I think that it went pretty well, and since then my application has progressed onto the next stage- a few small medical things. I have submitted those, and I am waiting to hear more. I am quite excited by the possibilities- I may be accepted to the academy in a few short months. My boss as an undertaker is supportive of my application, and I hope he puts in a good word when asked to be a reference. I'm glad that my self awareness is improving, and that I'm realising things about myself. I think that'll help me to be a better police officer.

My younger brother graduated from high school last night, and I went along to the ceremony. It was a pretty boring affair, but it was nice to see the rest of my family and give him my congratulations. Any ideas on some belated presents? I'd like to give him a note with some advice that I wish that I had when I graduated, maybe give him some money or a nice thing he'd use every day. I was thinking of a watch, but he already has one. I guess I think that strangers on the internet might have some general insight into good gift ideas.

Now, just some miscellaneous things about my life. I've gotten both shots, so I'm now vaccinated against covid. I found out that I get really faint when giving blood. I'm getting into disc golf (golf with frisbees). I'm not going to any social events in my 'friend' group, because I don't really enjoy them. People can be so damn irritating. However, I am still hanging out in small groups, or one on one. There are some friends I have that are pretty cool. I'm having success with lying less, even though I've had the opportunity to do so without consequences at my new job. I'll count that as progress. I didn't lie at all in my police interview, which I'm pretty proud of. I didn't even feel the urge to (:. I'm going to go enjoy the nice afternoon now, and play some disc golf in the sun.



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